koritsusuru blue

new blog

2007-06-09T02:10:57Z

i'll be moving to a new blog

http://isolatedblue.livejournal.com

news

2007-06-09T00:09:31Z

Chris and I have broken up.

koritsusurublue @ 2007-05-23T21:56:00

2007-05-24T02:56:57Z

I think I just broke up with my boyfriend...oh jeez I need someone to talk to....did I make the right decision???

travel

2007-05-01T17:12:05Z

I have come to a decision. I was planning on traveling to Japan for a year after graduation - I even bought a bunch of books to learn the language. But the person I was supposed to travel with is no longer going with me, so I have decided to not do that anymore. I love Japan and it would have been an amazing experience, and yes I could go alone, but I feel like the experience would not be what I was hoping. I would have had some difficulty planning and communicating, and when I was going with my friend it would have been easier for me...but when I think of going alone I am more aware of the risk.

Instead, I have decided to get a job when I graduate, and then go on 3 month traveling vacations. I would have some money to actually accomplish this, I would be able to see more places and not be focused solely on being somewhere I can earn enough cash to pay my student loans off. In a few years I could conceivably see most of the world...I'm thinking on taking that trip to Thailand this Christmas if possible, and then the next summer I should have graduated!

I'm really excited about this new decision I have come to. I can't wait to start planning!

koritsusurublue @ 2007-04-12T00:59:00

2007-04-12T06:18:17Z

Most everyone says that my mom and I look alike, but I have never seen the similarity. For my part, I always thought I looked more like my dad, but since no one ever met him, and since my stepfather has blond hair and blue eyes, I felt that everyone took it for granted that I took after my mom. To me, we couldn't have been more different; my mother's face is long and lean, whereas mine is perfectly round. She has a longer, narrower nose than my button nose. Her lips are thinner than mine, and she tans a lot easier than my fair skin does. When she is in shape, her body is slim and boyish, a sharp contrast to my curvy and busty figure; even her teeth are different being slightly longer.

I feel like I spent a lot of my life trying to be different from my mom. She dressed like a farmer's wife, she styled her hair like she was perpetually in the 80's, and she seemed to have no goals or happiness in life. There were many times that I felt I had little respect for her, that I felt she was wasting her life away and had no motivation to be something other than what she was. I felt that she was emotionally distant and even though I know that there had been moments in my life when I wanted to be closer to her, wanted her to hold me and to protect me, I also seemed to know that this just wasn't in the cards for my mom and me.

When she got a job at a fashionable store in the mall, it marked a turning point in my mom's life. There were the obvious changes, as in now she understood what was trendy and began dressing even better than myself! And there were some subtle changes, as in her self-confidence rising, she began to get in shape, she looked happier, and she was much more approachable than I had ever remembered her being. Now that she and my dad are separated and divorcing, she seems more comfortable with herself, she seems happier. Maybe that is the influence of her boyfriend, Scott. Whatever it is, she has become someone I can respect. She is going back to school for her GED, she has a good job, she doesn't seem so depressed and she doesn't seem as though she is wasting her life away.

I am so proud of her.

I went to brush my teeth tonight, and I thought I'd check the length of my hair in the mirror. I turned around, held up my little hand held mirror, and looked at the reflection. My breath caught in my throat. There, in the mirror, was the similarity I had been searching for.

I have my mother's hair. Not the color, perhaps, but I remember so well looking at my mother's long beautiful hair when I was small and thinking that it was the most gorgeous thing in the world. I like knowing that no matter what happens, I have a piece of my mother with me forever.

koritsusurublue @ 2007-04-06T00:29:00

2007-04-06T05:49:03Z

Went to a concert tonight, saw my mom yesterday. I talked to my sister, and I was right in my belief that my dad is trying to prevent my sisters from seeing me. I don't know what to do about that.

My family is in the shitter, no joke. I'm here in school, and my main reason to go was to get to Japan, but now I don't know if I will do that. I would like to go by myself, but I'm freaked out about it - I am no good at planning things and I KNOW I would mess something up in a big way. I feel like life is crashing down around my ears, and all I can think is..."What happened"....

Another friend gone, but it is probably best. I'm tired of putting forth all the effort, and if when a person is called to make an effort they run away...well, who needs that? I don't understand people...I don't understand how it can be so easy to let go, to not care...when did people turn into machines, turn into cold hearted bastards? I don't understand how anyone can just walk away from someone who cares about them. I think it is the most cowardly and horrible thing I have ever heard, and I swear to God that I will never ever be that kind of person. It just isn't in me to desert people. Even the ones I ought to desert, I suppose. I'm too forgiving, and I want to be approved of so much that I will do a lot for people, even the ones that hurt me.

I guess that is a reason that I am with my boyfriend. God knows that I am not perfect and I have done things that I am not proud of, and at the end of the day, I need someone to hold me and to forgive me and to love me in spite of it all. Chris does this for me, and I don't know what I would do without it. I'm so lucky to have him, because if I didn't have him right now, I would have no one here for me. No close friends, no family, no one. I wish I could show him somehow that he means so much to me, I wish I could somehow convey that I know I would be so lost without him right now.

I'm so tired, time for bed. Night!

koritsusurublue @ 2007-03-31T22:49:00

2007-04-01T03:53:59Z

I've been really depressed lately. My sister Sarah was supposed to come and visit me for a weekend, and I was really excited about it. Ever since I moved to IL, I don't see my family much and I miss them. Then I heard that my dad got really angry at her for making plans to come see me. He doesn't want them to spend time with me. After that she wasn't answering the email I sent asking her if she was coming and she didn't call me, and I heard made plans to go to our little cousin's birthday party. I tried to invite my sister Liz, but she hasn't returned phone calls or emails or messages on myspace. The last I heard, my dad didn't want me to talk to her either.

I just feel really lonely. I feel like I don't have a family anymore. All I ever felt I had were my sisters and my brothers, and I feel like my dad has taken them from me. I feel like I have no purpose in life, and I feel unsatisfied. I feel so unhappy, lonely, scared for my future. All my close friends are far away, and all I have is my bf who I'm having issues with right now.

Ever want to leave your life and start new somewhere else? I'm here for my bf, I'm here because I am in school. I am here because I can't handle my financial situation were I to leave. I wish I had moved to Ohio - at least I would be with a friend I respected.

I used to think that I could solve this if I traveled, I would have some meaning in my life. But I know that no matter where I go, I will always be drifting...alone. No matter where I go, I still won't have a father, I still won't have meaningful friendships, my siblings would still be lost to me. I missed so much of their lives because I couldn't be near my dad. Why can't he let me have my family? Why must he punish me?

I WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU!!!

2007-03-07T08:02:08Z

Kikko-PUNCH!!!

I've always been expendable...

2007-03-01T20:10:52Z

I had a conversation with my sister Sarah today. It went like this:

[01:29] geishasensu: OH
[01:29] La Ballerine 07: what
[01:29] geishasensu: i wanted to have a surprise party for mom maybe
[01:30] La Ballerine 07: eh...i dont really wanna have a surprise party for her
[01:30] La Ballerine 07: no offense
[01:31] geishasensu: yeah, i thought so
[01:31] La Ballerine 07: im sorry.....
[01:31] geishasensu: i'll just tell her to forget about your graduation and your bday parties and all holidays and everything
[01:31] geishasensu: that's how everyone is in this family, right?
[01:32] geishasensu: someone should tell her that she is wasting her time with all the kids, she should really just stop caring about them and loving them, since they dont give a rats ass about her
[01:32] geishasensu: bye

This may have seemed a little harsh on my side, but if you know the history...my mom is constantly trying to call and see my siblings, and she remembers them on holidays and all of that...and most of them won't even call her on mother's day or see her at xmas. Oh, but they'll accept her presents. It makes me sick - she's our mother, no matter what mistakes she has made. And I think that we have all made some mistakes that we aren't proud of, and WHO was there always believing the best in us? MOM. But now when she needs some understanding and acceptance we shove her away. It isn't right, it isn't right.

My dad then sent me a voicemail immediately. It went like this:

"Hi Miss, it's Dad. I just think that it would be better if you found better things to do to with your time than try to make your younger sisters feel lousy about their choices in life, ok? If you want to rip on the family go ahead and rip on it all you want but there's no reason for you to attack your sisters for their feelings on the family they love. And it's too bad that you don't love this family and it is accepted by all that you don't love this family, but you have no right to try to make everyone who DOES love this family try to feel bad for doing it. Why don't you get a life, why don't you move on with your own life and leave your sisters alone. Thank you, goodbye."

Well, you can imagine I was furious after getting this message. SO I called him back and left a message of my own. It went something like:

"I can't believe you had the nerve to call me and leave a message like that. You are the most hypocritcal person I know, talking about love, and you dont even know what it means. You always abused me, you always tell me what a shit I am, I'm sick of you one day telling me that I am a good person and the next telling me how awful I am. You are a sad, pathetic little man. I'm going to send you an email sometime in the future and we will see what happens with that but I can tell you that when you talk about me behind my back it makes me sick and you have the nerve to talk to me like that, to send me a vm like THAT? You disgust me!"

I have never really felt loved by my dad...and on those few occasions when I did, I knew it wouldn't last long. How can you be happy when you know throughout all of your childhood that if there was ever an occasion where someone needed to be sacrificed it would always be you? I wish I had a father that I felt loved me. I wish I could love my dad without wondering when the next time is that he will hate me. I wish that I didn't have to choose between myself and my family - because they will always side with dad, no matter what.

I don't think that I have a family anymore.

koritsusurublue @ 2007-02-24T00:02:00

2007-02-24T06:06:33Z

My grandpa died Feb. 19, 2007. He was 72.

He was a great man, larger than life, and the only thing that was bigger was the size of his heart. The world is poorer for losing him, and Heaven is richer for gaining him.

I love you Grandpa.

Goodbye

Each time I say goodbye
I feel my breath escape entwined
With every word I never said
But I’m sure you knew of them

You go on…
But I’m not strong…

Each time I say goodbye
I feel a part of me defined
By stolen days that I had gained
You always seemed too strong to break

Behind your eyes there’s a look I can’t describe
When faith kneels by your side there’s a heaven in that sight

You go on…
But I’m not strong…

Each time I say goodbye
I feel my heart twist inside
And in my pain I justify
A heart too big, a face too kind
Fleeting soul you were never mine
I always stood a step behind
These are things I can’t explain
But in my mind they remain

Behind your eyes there’s a love you can’t disguise
In my colorless life you reached with hands bigger than mine

You go on…
But I’m not strong…

I’m not…strong…

I'm the ROXORS!!!

2007-02-09T12:51:16Z

I just found out that NOT ONLY do I have just ONE midterm this semester...it's a friggen TAKEHOME!!!! Apparently the final exam in that class is just the same. Yippee!!! :)

In other, sad news...our kitty Brooklyn is very very sick, a few nights ago she wasn't able to use her back legs to walk, and she's got blood in her stool. We took her to the vet, and she called us yesterday to say that the kitty has a potentially fatal virus. I don't know, but I think that Brooklyn is going to die. Yesterday she seemed even more lethargic than usual, and she isn't using her front legs as well either. It is all very, very sad.

In other news...my grandpa has cancer and has a limited time to live, we expect him to pass within the year. So much bad news...

For some good news, I got email confirmation that my loan money is being processed...hopefully in a week or 2 I'll get that money...and boy oh boy do I have plans for it!!! I'm going to get a gym membership, I'm going to get some new glasses and contacts, and I'm going to pay off all of my credit cards!!! Then it ALL goes into a savings account. I'm only going to take out a predetermined monthly sum. I can't wait to not worry about money anymore! FINALLY!!!

I need to work harder on my schoolwork - I'm falling a little behind, partly because I have been spending a lot of time with Chris lately...I need to figure out ways to separate myself and do my work, or get it all done before I hang out with him. At least I am not behind on anything besides my own reading...I'm getting everything else in on time.

Today I will call about a job. Wish me luck! :)

I'm a liar

2007-02-05T15:30:21Z

I had an interesting weekend.

For starters, Chris and I had THE TALK about marriage. We also had THE TALK last October. THAT time, he was so against marriage that he preferred breaking up. This time, he thinks he is ready and wants to go for it. How about that, a complete role reversal in just 4 months!!!

Back in October, I realized that our relationship was going nowhere. Everyone seemed to be getting married...and here I was with a serious boyfriend for almost 4 years and no sign of a wedding. It depressed me, and led me to give Chris the ultimatum of "marry me, or lose me". He chose to lose me, and we decided to take that step after the holidays, at my request, because I was having a very difficult time in school and knew that any further heartache could mean the difference between being a student next year...and working at McDonalds. When the holidays came and went, there was no breakup, as most of you know, but I don't want to explain, having repeated myself over and over and over again.

Oh hell, one more time:
1. Like most of us, Chris has personality flaws. Until October he was quite proficient in pointing out my own flaws and never acknowledging his own. Since October, he has not only come to an epiphany - he isn't perfect! - but he has also made a concentrated effort to resolve some of his flaws. How can I dump someone who is quite obviously working so hard for the purposes of keeping me?
2. When Chris said that he would rather break up than get married, I started planning my life without him and realized that I wanted to travel much more, with the result that I no longer wanted to get married at all, as it would only complicate the traveling. How could I dump him for refusing to do something that I no longer even wanted?

Well, this weekend revealed that Chris has done a 180 and decided that marriage is right for us after all.

I do want to get married at some point. I am not getting any younger. I'm 26 next month and all of my friends are married, most with children. When I was younger, I always pictured myself married at 18 and being a homemaker, and I was well on my way to that future, being engaged at 17. It fell apart, but I never really applied myself very well to my ambitions after that. I went to college, yes, and began grad school after that, sure; but I really think that the reason I was aiming so high was not for myself, but because of a desire to please people that in my life have never been pleased. When I started college, my dad told my mom that he didn't see the point, and that I would only fail...now I am planning on graduating next year with a masters and certification in education, a 'fuck you' to everyone who believed I was worth less than nothing. I think that through all of this, I was expecting to latch myself onto some guy and live happily ever after.

I grew up being told that I wasn't good enough. I remember so well all the times that my dad screamed at me that I wasn't a good person and was the 'poison in the family'. When I was younger, I would deal with this by constantly yelling at my dad in my head. When he shouted that I was a constant liar, I would inwardly scream, "maybe I wouldn't lie to you if you weren't constantly beating me when I did something wrong!!!" When he paced the room and said that I was disgusting, I would inwardly comfort myself with, "he doesn't know what he is talking about, you are so much better than he is, you are wonderful". When he put his face an inch from mine, yelling that I was ruining the family and that all problems in his marriage and with the kids were because of me, while his spit hit my face I was hysterical inside, "YOU DID IT, YOU DID IT ALL!!!! I HATE YOU!!" And then there were those other times, times when my dad would walk slowly toward me as I backed away, coming so close to me that I lowered myself to the floor, my eyes trained on his, he about to pounce on me like a lion coming in for the kill. Times I was pushed into walls, thrown to the floor, kicked, punched, slapped, hair pulled, scratched, tossed about like a lifeless doll; when I couldn't even discriminate where the blows were landing and everything in my eyes was a blur of pain and confusion. If my teachers only knew what they doomed me to when they wrote that I 'didn't use classtime wisely'. What the hell does that even mean anyway? When I couldn't control my movements because of my medical condition and my dad would beat me to try and get me to stop. When my dad would lecture me until 2 in the morning when I had elementary school the next day, and I would stare into those blue eyes so long until I no longer heard the hateful things he said to me, until it became like a song, until everything was that beautiful blue color, burning my eyes with it, and I would turn my blinded gaze to his and silently say to him over and over, "You are so beautiful, i forgive you, but I wish you loved me." I felt that I might drown myself in the deep love I felt for him. I know what it is to yearn for someone who hurts you.

When I was younger, it was enough to know that I did something wrong and I was being punished for it...our pattern was the yelling, the beating, the crying...and then the talking, and the 'I love you Melissa'...and then the heartfelt conversations that my father and I had that made it all worthwhile. I always believed that he would say such horrible things to me because I was bad, that he never really believed anything he was telling me...until I saw his papers for his anger management classes. There was proof on every page, his own handwriting throughout laying blame, arguing that I was the cause of everything, that I was the reason he and my mother were going through a separation, that I was the reason his life was hell, that I was the reason everything in the world was falling apart. Can you imagine what that does to a child? To see with her own eyes that the only father she has ever known despises her? To be told by her grandmother that her father had confessed to not loving her as much as her brothers and sisters? Even now, I am the scapegoat...my father has long talks with my siblings telling them that I am not a good person to associate with, because I talk to my mother and believe that the other kids should be able to if they want to. I have heard him with my own ears telling my brother that I was 'against the family' and been written letters in which my dad has said that he will fight me if I do not stop sabotaging the family. I have hated him, refused to speak to him, yelled at him, cut him out of my life, wanted him back again, tried to agree with everything he said, even ignored my mother and my own conscience because really, inside, I am still that little girl holding her arms out wanting to be picked up and held by her daddy. I want his approval so much. I want him to tell me it was all an elaborate farce, a dream, and I will wake up in his arms.

It is never going to happen.

There is a reason for me to write all of this. I wanted to be loved so much, that I ignored all the warning signs spelling out 'this is a bad relationship'. Chris has dumped me so many times, caused me so much pain, but I dealt with it because I wanted to be loved. But when I am with him...I don't feel like he feels lucky to be with me. I feel judged all the time - by his family, by his friends...and it recalls to mind all those times when I was judged by my father. I am tired of trying to prove myself, and I am tired of trying to be something I am not. I am tired of not feeling like I can't be accepted on my own terms; that I have to become someone else to be worth something, whether a religious person, a careerwoman, a homemaker...someone who has no expectations, demands no respect, has no limits. I never felt appreciated on my own terms by anyone, not my entire life, not by family or friends, not by boyfriends. Even if Chris says that he values me as a loving person, that he is willing to accept all of my faults...it seems that he feels that he is settling and that he even knows it. I don't want anyone to 'settle' for me. Is it so wrong for me to want someone to marry me because I am the most amazing, special person that he has ever met? Because he honestly cannot see his life without me? A few months ago, Chris chose to lose me rather than marry me...and it speaks volumes. I think that he is more in love with the idea of having a family life than he is in love with me.

Chris asked me why I love Japan so much. I thought about it, and come to the conclusion that I feel accepted without having to prove myself - as there are so few foreigners in Japan, being an American grants you a kind of celebrity status - and because I loved the feeling that every day was an adventure. I realize now how much that has to do with my childhood. When I traveled, for the first time I experienced what it was to be liked for my own sake; without being asked to change, without being judged. I found that I was much more than anyone else gave me credit for. And when I was living there, I was doing more than anyone else had done in my family....it was the ultimate fuck you. There was no one to please but myself, no one to change myself for. I was as good or bad as I wanted to be and there was no one shadowing my every move, ready to criticize. I felt that I was exceeding expectations, that I was the most incredible person...not because of what I had done...but because I existed.

If Chris had ever been able to give me that, I would be his forever, happily. If no one else had ever liked me and he had stood by me through it all, feeling that there was nothing I needed to do or to change, that I was the most amazing person he ever knew and anyone who disagreed, or who disrespected me, or who alienated me would be either taken to task or left behind. If anyone who ever insulted me was taken by him as a personal affront and he would defend me and our love no matter what, even if he disagreed with me. If he was happy to leave everyone behind because I was the most important thing in the world to him. If he knew all of my faults and was irritated by them, if he fought with me, if he was embarrassed by me at times, and STILL felt that I was the most dear thing in the world to him and that nothing could compare to me...instead of telling me that I was pathetic and lazy, that I am 'not nice enough', and that he is willing to accept that?

It isn't that way, and it won't ever be. Is it a coincidence that my father had an obsession with honesty, and beat me for it, and now Chris seems to think it is a joke to tell me that I am a compulsive liar? When he has nothing to prove this??? I am NOT a liar. I feel that I have to escape this life so reminiscent of my childhood. I care about Chris so much, and he has so many good qualities. I respect him, and I have felt myself lucky to be with him. He has been treating me well lately, but it isn't something that I think can last, and I feel like I can't possibly tie myself to someone who only seems to like me on a month by month basis. At this point, i don't see how I could ever marry Chris, but I have agreed to a 'wait and date'. Sometimes life's questions are resolved on their own, and I have a feeling that this is one of those times.

Forgiveness

I remember red curtains
The way the sun shone through your hair
How the red just washed about me
How you never wanted to be there
It was all too beautiful
Was I ever in your heart?
Want to sleep now, understanding
Want to wake up in your arms

I don't need you
I don't need you

I remember your blue eyes
The way they sparkle when you shout
How the blue just washed about me
While I sat and tuned you out
It was all too beautiful
Was I ever in your heart?
Want to sleep now, understanding
Want to wake up in your arms

I don't need you
I don't need you

We are all lost in retribution
It's a cycle we repeat
But sometimes the need for justice
Is the thing that we must grieve

These are things that I don't mention
But they hover in my heart
Want to sleep now, understanding
Want to wake up in your arms.

I don't need you
I don't need you

In other news, I thought I might have been pregnant. I took a test, and I'm baby-free. It is time to be more careful, with an eye to my future.

koritsusurublue @ 2007-01-26T23:33:00

2007-01-27T05:33:44Z

i've been having a bad week.

i made the decision that i for sure wanted to go back to japan, something that i have been struggling with. i recently realized that i cant deny how i feel about it, how every time something reminds me of japan i start to tear up and my heart drops into my stomach because i miss it too much.

i thought that my finances were going to finally be settled, at least for some time. chris was going to cosign on a loan for me, and that loan would cover all of my expenses until at least august.

chris and i got into a fight. i have an early class on sat, so i cant hang out with him friday nights. usually fridays he doesnt want to do anything, even though i encourage him to go out with his friends. but when i am not there, he is suddenly anxious to go out. he excitedly tells them that he is without the gf, implying that they can FINALLY have fun. i feel like a burden, i feel like i am unwanted. i feel like chris hasnt been wanting to have fun because i am there, because as soon as i am not, he suddenly seems to have all this energy to have fun...but when i am there he is always tired, and complains if he has to go out. during his conversation, he mentioned that he wanted to see a movie with a lot of boobs and then go to hooters... a place he said he wouldnt go to because it made me uncomfortable. so...now i have evidence that he was planning on betraying my trust and probably about to lie to me about it, and then was on top of it acting like a adolescent teen who has never seen a woman before. why should be so excited to see boobs and make sure that every guy knew about it if he was so happy with me? well, i would guess that he isnt.

when i saw that i wanted to go home, and he took me. i thought that perhaps he would talk to me about it after seeing as how i pretty much said i didnt want to see him anymore, because his friends dislike me and i think it is because he puts forth an image of me that is unattractive - that he doesnt respect or care about my feelings and just does what he likes, and that i control him and he never gets to do what he likes. i know i know, a direct contradiction. now i also have to feel that he's telling his friends that he wants to check out other women....and what are they to infer but that he isnt satisfied with me? and that he is interested in looking around to see what else is on the market?

anyway, he didnt talk to me about it. he tried to brush it all off with an, "oh, are you still mad at me? well dont be crabby! oh, i'm so sorry...i'll be different!" but to me that is just an empty promise. HOW was he going to make it better, WHY is he sorry....WHAT can be done now? i think that he expects that he just needs to say sorry and i will just be ok with everything. i am not ok with everything! i am still hurt, and he hasnt addressed that at all. if he cared about me, if he cared about our relationship, he would know that he hurt me and we have to work out the issue and he would take steps to accomplish that. but he isnt talking to me. he wouldnt talk to me when it happened, he wouldnt talk to me after work the next day, he didnt call when he said that he would, and he hasnt talked to me since. now he is out with his friends, probably checking out hot chicks at hooters and telling everyone how glad he is to be rid of me.

i just sort of wish i could start over, and be in a relationship where everyone doesnt have unrealistic expectations of me. i want to be accepted, and i want a bf who will talk to me and not be so concerned with putting on an act being macho that he disrespects me in front of his friends. i wish i could be with someone who wouldnt always put himself first - his hometown, his job, his family, his friends... someone who wouldnt reject me all the time, or make me feel as if i was a bad person. i feel like there is no saving this relationship. and to top it all off, i still have my financial concerns, and i feel like i have no friends and no means of any type of emotional support without chris.

i feel so lost.

then to top this off, i have my grandpa and a whole new slew of family issues just today. i'm exhausted. i'm tired of being talked about behind my back, i am tired of people judging me and saying bad things about me. i havent done anything to hurt anyone, and yet i am given no chance. i refuse to feel like the 'bad guy' anymore. this has to change.

i dont want to hear about your jiggle belly!!!

2007-01-19T09:02:41Z

So, I started classes today. Without the books that I payed up the ass for next day shipping, thank you very much. Hopefully they will come tomorrow. Anyway, class was actually fun and the time just flew by. Our professor apparently feels that classes should be fun and imaginative, imagine that! Haha! So we were split up into groups, and here's mine:

Meghan - the coolest chick in the bunch so far (besides me), she's got the same classes as I have and is in the same program. We are really hitting it off well so far. She actually TALKS, this one!
Jean - she's pretty quiet and didn't actually say much of anything until she was prodded. Hopefully she will become more talkative in the weeks ahead.
Simone - our token black lady with the wonderful name! She was the most negative of the group, but also talkative. I liked how respectful she was, always allowing others to speak and never dominating the conversation.
Katie - she seems very sweet; talkative but not too much so, and doesn't seem like she will be taking a leadership role.

I started reading Memoirs of a Geisha and I really should have known better. Now I am so homesick for Japan it hurts me inside. Today my professor was telling us how she fell in love with Italy...oh man I know JUST how she feels! I only think I need to be able to spend some time in other countries, and then I will be able to see whether the love I have for Japan is a lasting thing or no.

We got a new kitters! Her name is Brooklyn and she's black with random tufts of gray on her. She's a longhaired kitty too, but absolutely adorable. She was pretty scared to come to a new house, but she is getting used to Emmy and me at a quick rate...I am certain that she will be a bright and happy kitty before too long.

Tomorrow Emmy and I are going to get some lunch and I am going to get a pretty new ring! My first one that I buy myself! And I am thinking to get a gym membership and also some new sheets and maybe even a comforter or something. :) Yippies!

So I got some guacamole and it tastes like french onion dip. WHAT A HELL? FACK YOU!

The End of 2006

2007-01-03T15:30:49Z

wow...so much has happened to me this past year!

~~January:~~ I returned from Japan and my relationship with Chris was pretty much over. I spent it talking to my friend Chrisu back in Oregon and looking for apartments. Issues with the separation of my parents.

~~February:~~ I moved into an apartment with Sarka, a girl from Czech Republic. It was my first experience having a female roommate - i mean other than once in college - and it was nice...but I felt uncomfortable at times, like the apartment was more hers than ours. Our landlords didnt speak much English so I couldnt really communicate with them. I missed Chris a lot, and went on a date on Valentine's Day. I realized that this dating thing was going to be difficult for me to do, and I wasnt prepared for it. Issues with the separation of my parents.

~~March:~~ I started work at DeVry. On my Bday, Chris took me out even though we were broken up. I missed him a lot. My roommate made me a Bday cake and decorated the kitchen. We got along well, but she talked A LOT and made some very bad decisions about love. I was very lonely and sad, I spent a lot of time talking to Chrisu. This month may have been when I met Neal. Issues with the separation of my parents.

~~April:~~ Neal and I are hanging out almost every day. This may have been when I realized one of my coworkers liked me which made work more interesting, but also full of unwanted drama. My car was breaking down and I was missing work or coming in late. Finally Neal generously offered to let me borrow his car, which meant that we stayed at either his or my place - he lived in Indiana - drove a few hours to his work in Chicago, then I drove alone to my job in Naperville and then after work drove 2 hours to Chicago to get him and then we drove to whoever's place we decided to stay at. We ate out almost every night. Chrisu came to visit for Spring Break, I told him I only wanted to be friends with him. Chris and I saw each other once in awhile but it made me feel more sad. Sarka and I got into a huge fight and I ended up moving again...with Neal in a gorgeous apartment that was $1100 a month. So expensive!!! But SO beautiful! Issues with the separation of my parents.

~~May:~~ Neal and I are living in the new apartment and we are getting along great. I am in a dating frenzy in an effort to get over Chris more quickly. I realize that Neal likes me as more than a friend and I reject him. Soon he becomes unbearable to live with. He tells me that I must move out. I decided not to speak to Chris anymore because he told me that he was glad we were broken up. My car is finally working!!! I go to Hayward for the first time in 10 years. Issues with the separation of my parents.

~~June:~~ Still living with Neal, we decide to give it one more shot. Chris and I decide to get back together. Neal decides that he cannot live with that arrangement and he wants me to move out. Still working at DeVry, and applying to a college in Wales. Chrisu and I are fighting. Issues with the separation of my parents.

~~July:~~ I move in with Emmy, my current roommate. Right away I feel comfortable in the home. I spend the 4th of July with Jorge because Chris is doing something else...but then it turns out he does see fireworks and I am disappointed. I didnt get to see the fireworks that year. Neal and I work out the finer details of moving out, Chris and I are working on our relationship and doing well, Chrisu stops returning or answering my calls and eventually ceases contact all together. I was not accepted to the school in Wales. Issues with the separation of my parents.

~~August:~~ Living with Emmy, still with Chris and doing well. Still not friends with Chrisu. I try to find out if my former acceptance to Loyola University in Chicago still stands. They finally tell me that I am approved to start school in the fall. I quit my job at DeVry and prepare for school. Issues with the separation of my parents.

~~September:~~ I begin school at Loyola. I am taking Latin, Medieval Shipbuilding, and Viking History. I struggle with my decision to major in History and consider teaching a language instead. I go on vacation in Hayward and see all the family. I bring Chis...it is the first time I have ever brought anyone there, so it is very special to me. I realize that I need more commitment from Chris. Issues with the separation of my parents.

~~October:~~ Chris and I are doing well, but one night he breaks up with me...and then takes it back. I realize I dont want to be in that type of relationship anymore, and am afraid that we are in a cycle of breaking up and getting back together. I feel that we have known each other long enough and have been doing well enough and I decide that Chris and I need to either get married or break things off completely in order to break this cycle. Chris doesnt want to get married, and I decide that we need to break things off after the holidays. Some family tragedies occur and I fall behind in school. Chrisu and I begin speaking again. Financial problems stress me out. Issues with the separation of my parents.

~~November:~~ I am still falling behind in school and I decide to drop a class - Medieval Shipbuilding. I've decided to apply to the Education Department in the hopes that I will get accepted to a program in which I will only have one more year of school to go. Chris and I are doing better than ever - partly due to the fact that I am distancing myself and he is making more of an effort in the relationship. Chrisu and I discuss the possibility of teaching in Thailand or Japan when we finish with school. I get a job at the Olive Garden and hate it so much I quit during training. I start looking for another job. Financial problems stress me out. Issues with the separation of my parents.

~~December:~~ Because of the possibility of traveling in a year to teach English, I begin to rethink my decision to break up with Chris after the holidays because it is no longer important if i get married now. I am accepted to the Education Department at Loyola. Still living with Emmy and loving it. Chris decides to surprise me with 'The 12 days of Xmas' and gives me a present for each day, including a beautiful diamond necklace and a photo album us the 2 of us. I spend most of Xmas with his family but on Xmas day I see mine, which is a big letdown. I was the only one to see my mom's side of the family, and grandma was so angry with me for some reason that she barely looked at me let alone spoke to me. I gave my family my desktop computer and saw Andy, back from college. I spent the New Year with Chris's family. I havent heard much from Chrisu but I think that could be a good thing for him. Financial problems stress me out. Issues with the separation of my parents.

WHOA, what a year!!! I moved so many times, I had my heart broken and mended, I gained and lost some pretty good friends. I started school and also started financial issues! I think that I learned a lot this year. I learned how to NOT be single, and I learned more about my anger issues and how to work on those. I have some plans for the future and am so excited to start my new program! I simply CANNOT wait to be finished with school and be ready to make some money and to travel! I have no idea what will happen with myself and Chris but I think that I have decided not to worry about that for now and to let events take their course. I spend too much time trying to control things, it might be best just to let things lie for a bit.

This year was very painful for me in many ways, and I am glad it's over!

Resolutions: Be more active. Be kinder. Stay out of the separation of my parents. Get a job. Work harder in school. Be on time and more organized. Get involved. Drive the speed limit. Stop lecturing. Appreciate those around you more.

Good luck everyone on the new year ahead! I hope that this year is a great one for all!

Oh Geez...

2006-12-22T12:16:49Z

Chris has been really wonderful lately. I'm pretty confused about what to do now...on one hand, is it wrong to end something that FINALLY seems to be working? But on the other hand...is it wrong to trust again, when I've been hurt so many times?

I don't want to be stupid about this. Is it more stupid to trust, or more stupid to give up? Gah... I can't figure it out but I know that I need to soon.

One of the things that bugs me the most is that I want to go back to Japan so badly. I want to go to Thailand. I want to visit Europe and have an exciting life and experience so much more than I have. Can I even do this if I have a boyfriend back in America? How can I trust him, how can he trust me? It would be so much easier if he were willing to come with me.

However, I don't want to travel forever, I want to settle down and have a family. So, is it even possible to be able to put a relationship on hold so I can travel?

I'm so confused.

Tokyo

2006-12-13T09:40:12Z

Some of you know that I spent some time in Tokyo as an exchange student. Actually, I decided to go to Japan without knowing the language or anything about the culture. I didnt even have any real interest in Japan, I just wanted to travel somewhere and my college had a sister school in Tokyo. What followed was an event that changed my life.

I can never explain what Tokyo means to me...but after watching this video, I can safely say that some of it does have to do with that almost effortless blending of those two distinct eras, the old Japan and the New...the culture with the amazing technology...the idea that even though you are in a stunning metropolis, there are less than 1% of people like you, and you are surrounded by a people who seem so rigid but yet in reality are warm and vibrant. It is gazing up at the skyscrapers and going blind from those huge flashing lights that almost trigger an epileptic fit but in the next instant seeing grandmothers in kimono and pagoda in the distance.

Japan is a land of contrasts, and perhaps the most telling of all, was that so far from all that I know and love, I found my home.

koritsusurublue @ 2006-12-08T14:49:00

2006-12-08T20:49:57Z

i found this article and i thought it was so wonderful, that i simply had to post it in here:

"It's not going to stop 'til you wise up."

It was a line from Aimee Mann's "Wise Up," and after hearing the song just once, I made it my anthem. I downloaded it to my iPod, hit repeat and then commuted to it, cried to it, showered to it... until the day I was ready to do some actual wising up. I had learned from my experience, but it took my listening to those lyrics, articulated in just the right way, before I understood it.

Bad relationships didn't just happen to me. I allowed them to happen.

And it was time to put a stop to it. I would set boundaries - a set of relationship resolutions - for myself and for those I spent time with, and I would stick to them.

1. I will learn to say "next!"
Plain and simple, the world is full of men. Everywhere you turn, there's a man. Look - there goes one now! A wise woman once told me that men are like city buses: If you miss one, there will always be another. I decided that, from now on, I would not assign any man too much meaning too early on. I am not going to worry that I won't find "it" again. I will not worry that I'll end up in a rocking chair surrounded by cats and empty wine bottles. I will remember that there will always be another.

2. I will expect more and tolerate less
Not all men are self-loathing, egocentric, cheating bastards. In fact, most people have a lot more good to them than bad, and by and large, will live up to the expectations you set for them. Not since junior high have I worried that a friend would hurt or disappoint me. But with men, it's been a constant fear. I realized that this was all because of expectations. If I did not expect - or even demand - that a man treat me right, he probably wasn't going to. I'm not talking about princessy stuff here, like buying me dinner or calling by Tuesday if he wants to see me on Saturday. I'm talking about basic good treatment. Like following through with plans. Or being aware of my feelings. Or not leaving his cell phone on another girl's nightstand and telling me he'd lost it. You know, common consideration. And when common consideration is breached? Next!

3. I will get busy
Because men are wired differently and may as well live in a different time zone, playing the "why hasn't he called?" game is a guaranteed express trip to Crazytown. Why hasn't he called? Who knows? But I do know that I should be too busy to worry about it. Untapped potential was like my emotional saddlebags - unattractive even if no one noticed it but me. I resolved to make plans, resurrect my hobbies and spend my time doing and thinking and being. If he calls, great! If not, I will be way too occupied with all my fabulous self-fulfillment to notice.

4. I will not play it cool
To keep myself from feeling exposed and vulnerable, I'd gotten very good at using the phrase "that's okay" when it was really, really not okay. There were so many times I didn't get angry when I should have, for fear of coming off as too emotional or unhinged. Well, you know what? Unhinge this! If the situation calls for it, and the difference between sucking it up and having a bit of a blowup could be months of festering in a foul mood, I'm going to let him have it. The same goes for positive emotions. If a man does something to delight me, I'm going to act delighted. Forget cool sophistication! And if he gets weirded out by all of my emoting? You guessed it: Next!

5. I will lighten up
The pursuit and maintenance of coupling may have made me do surprising things, but even more astounding was what it made me forget. I am pretty damn awesome. I am funny and talented, and I look pretty smokin' in jeans and stilettos. Getting caught up in the worry of trying to please a man, and working overtime to postpone an inevitable breakup is a huge time-waster. And a killjoy. A man's opinion of me is not more important that my own opinion of myself, so I shouldn't take it so seriously. I will remember to laugh more, worry less and like who I am - man or no man - and to redirect some of that energy into pleasing myself.

Unlike New Year's resolutions, which last only as long as my dieting attention span (six weeks max), my Relationship Resolutions have become ironclad. They've become a safety net and are a constant reminder that I don't need to second-guess myself or feel insecure. By wising up and following my resolutions, I might spend more time by myself than I did in the past. But on the upside, I've discovered that I like the company a whole lot more.

stratified inside

2006-12-05T11:13:45Z

i think i become more coherent when i am running on little to no sleep.

i'm completely exhausted, but for some reason i feel as though if i were to talk now, i would be somehow understood. case in point: today i was called 'sexy smart'. why does this mean so much to me? because perhaps, it was an appreciation for my intellect rather than my physical charms, which i feel are quite limited at the moment. and even if i didnt feel that way, you have to admit that "hey you are pretty" can get kinda old after awhile. not that it isnt nice to hear...but it is rare to actually say something and have someone say to me - "you know what? that was pretty deep, and i find it sexy."

yeah...the more i think about it, the more it makes me want to cry. i guess it is because i can remember having these little conversations with myself at some point, where i was acutely aware of some action i was performing, and thinking, "hey, if you were with someone, they would probably be impressed!" sometimes i say or do something and i sort of hope for that comment, the "oh wow!" comment. "wow melissa, you are so devoted to your family! wow, you are so understanding! wow, you are so compassionate! wow, you are so loving! wow, you are so intelligent! wow, you are so ______ (insert adjective here)."

i sort of find it sad that instead of hearing those types of things, my compliments are degenerated to "you are sexy. you are pretty. you are hot. you have big boobs...boobies...wheee!!!!" yes, of course i dont mind hearing most of those once in awhile. in fact, often is nice...but you know after awhile, it sounds very stale and almost superficial. i'm getting a compliment, yes, but the person isnt really putting any thought into it, and it all comes down to the fact that it is the same thing and it doesnt seem PERSONAL ENOUGH. now, let's say i was making polite conversation to someone, and then the person i was with said, "oh wow, you are so outgoing and kind to people, i just LOVE that about you, i'm so lucky to be with you!" OMFG...chills down my spine. or, how about "you know, when you were comforting your friend and jumped to her defense, it made me remember what a loyal girl i have. and when you stood up for your friend and got mad at that guy, it was so completely hot to see you taking charge like that..."

maybe as a guy, you might say, ok melissa, but that is completely and utterly gay and no guy in his right mind would do all that! ok, but the thing is, i dont understand why the hell not. i mean, if you notice something and it makes you feel all funny in your heart, or in your pants, or in your head, whatever, why is it so hard to say, "when you did ____ i felt _____"? then i wouldnt be reduced to having conversations such as this one:

Guy: you are so sexy
Me: thanks! why were you thinking that?
Guy: i dont know, i just did.
Me: ok...but did i do something in particular to make you think that?
Guy: i dont know...i was just thinking that.
Me: well, i appreciate it, but there must have been SOMETHING that made you think that....was it when i ____
Guy: umm, i dont know....
Me: well, was it when i did ____?
Guy: umm...(Looking for the nearest exit) i guess it COULD have been that....(slowly turns in the direction of the exit, positioning his body for a potential necessary escape)
Me: COULD have, or WAS?
Guy: (bolts out of his seat and out the door) igottagoseeyoulaterbye!

ok, yes i know that it looks as if i was giving this nice guy a hard time. yes, i can hear you, "Jeez Melissa! the guy was trying to give you a COMPLIMENT, for chrissakes! just take it gracefully!" well, you have a point. and trust me, if some guy told me he thought i was sexy, i would leave it at that. however, 10 to 1 this particular guy has only told me i was sexy for a couple months now and isnt seeming to notice anything else about me, and actually when i think about it, his "you are so sexy" is sort of emotionless as well as expressionless. there's no catalyst to it, so it could be assumed that he was just trying to say something nice to me that he didnt actually feel, sort of a knee-jerk reaction ....or on the OFFENSE....trying to hit me with a compliment before i wonder why i havent gotten one lately.

but you know what else? it is entirely possible that this guy would just think i am sexy, end of story. he may not feel there is a need to elaborate. this compliment could be entirely genuine. and i sort of feel that it usually is. the whole point to this is not to nitpick, or to try to 'get something more'. the whole point is that sometimes when you are seeing the same person day in and day out, you forget all the wonderful things about that person and focus on the bad ones. i swear i can hear about the same fight where i did something bad about 20 times, and THEN i'll hear jokes about how i cant cook (and i can, FYI) more than a few times, and then of course i'll hear something about how i didnt give a backrub when i promised. amazing how these offenses are crystal clear and specific. but suddenly compliments are vague and categorized into SEXY and NICE. why is it so difficult to remember the specific reasons that you are into that person? why do we feel that thrill, but then never say anything about it anymore? or worse, why do we stop noticing the things that thrill us in the first place?

i think that if we put as much effort into our compliments as we did into our insults, divorce lawyers would not be as happy as they are right now. and that is what life is all about, after all.

koritsusurublue @ 2006-11-28T02:08:00

2006-11-28T08:08:59Z

I GOT INTO THE EDUCATION DEPT!!!

ONE MORE YEAR OF SCHOOL LEFT!!!!

omg breathe...breathe...breathe....

i need to start a countdown. :)

think about it...

2006-11-15T06:39:18Z

the first time i met him, i thought, "ew..."

then i looked again...and again...and again...and again....by the 876th time, i thought, "he's not so bad..."

then it was, "actually, he's pretty good..."

which turned into, "pretty fucking hot..."

which became, "i cant stop fucking him..."

and then, "i love him so much it kills me..."

which became, "maybe he is too good for me..."

and degenerated into, "why isnt he happy with me..."

then ended with, "i love him so much, but he doesnt love me back, and it kills me..."

if i am lucky, after a few years i will return to the original, "ew..."

i find it interesting that i could pine away for someone who i wasnt interested in to begin with. how does a person get under the skin like that? what is even more interesting, is that now that i am distancing myself from the whole - "it kills me" train of thought, suddenly he is interested.

so, dry your tears, women, i have finally figured out the mathematical equation that is LOVE...OBSERVE

gf + loves you and will do anything for you = not interesting
gf + willing to satisfy you in any way possible and do things to you that you never knew you wanted = boring
gf + wanting to hang out with your best buddies and family and actually will invite them over without bitching about seeing them even though it means that she gets to cheer you on while you play video games and ignore her = breakup

HOWEVER

gf - stays the night = desirable
gf - around much = interesting
gf - gives a damn = priceless

ok so basically, if women follow this equation and deny themselves from showing any and all evidence of love and care, they will have a very successful relationship.

here is when i, in my exhausted state of mind, want to say, "well, maybe i asked too much. maybe i was annoying. maybe i wasnt pretty enough. maybe i didnt do this, maybe i did too much of that...after all, who cares if he doesnt dance? who cares if he isnt romantic? i dont mind if we dont talk about much. it's ok if we dont do a lot."

but at the end of the day, i have my dignity to fall back on. i can go to the mirror, look myself in the face, and say, "you are amazing...and he saw how wonderful you are...and didnt want you. and no matter how many dinners he buys you, no matter how many times he wants you to come over...even if he learned to dance, and was romantic, and had amazing intimate conversations with you, and was excited to experience new things with you...it doesnt change the fact that he doesnt want to spend the rest of his life with you. and in fact, you should be GRATEFUL that he didnt do those things, because let's face it, you were completely willing to accept those so-called 'faults'. you can recite them to yourself so that you can feel better about it all, but really, who the hell cares one way or another? it doesnt matter at all. all that matters, is that he could have been the most wonderful guy in the world, but if he could look me in the eyes and for ONE SECOND believe that he would be better off without me...well, he aint worth SHIT."

truer words were never spoken. i amaze myself at how fucking wise i am.

and now to get me some sweet mermaid sex...

2006-11-07T19:36:06Z

so, i got another turtle, and his name is Nikko, so now i have Lola and Nikko!

i cleaned all night last night and i did the rest of the apt today. i need a job, i am so worried cause i dont have one yet!!!

emmy is gone for a few days, and it will be very lonely around here. i hate living alone...but you know on the other hand it is hard to live with a roommate at times. lucky for me emmy is very easy for me to get along with!

i'm waiting to hear if i got into the education dept, i wonder when i will find out.

koritsusurublue @ 2006-10-27T21:57:00

2006-10-28T03:08:16Z

here's an interesting quiz:

http://ffrf.org/quiz/bquiz.php

horaay!

2006-10-27T16:50:54Z

i'm talking with chrisu again! that makes my month! but i am also really scared cause i dont want to hurt him and i dont want to get into a repeat of the past.

i am still really sick...i didnt go to class today because i felt so weak. but i WAS up at 10 even though i've been sleeping til noon lately - i've been staying up too late - and i made a schedule for today of things i need to do.

i also got a pleasant shock - i'm close to 20 pounds thinner than i was last month! so...why am i not seeing much of a change? well, maybe it is just me. partly it's because i cant eat cause i feel so sick.

chris is in texas til sat night and i'll see him i guess sunday. we'll spend the day with his family i am sure. for some reason i am not really missing him that much...maybe it is because i am feeling too sick to care about much of anything right now.

i'm still pretty shaky, but i am going to try to get outside.

koritsusurublue @ 2006-10-24T23:40:00

2006-10-25T04:51:50Z

i've been very busy shutting off my emotions. like a light switch i turn them off one by one, and watch as if from the outside the happy moments, the sad ones, and think my God, if only this were the beginning and i didnt have to do this. if only i could go back a few years when i told myself every day that i was the luckiest person in the world and every night i would pray that i wouldnt mess it up...

but i have to. nothing is the same. i am getting older and i am filling up with pain. i'm not satisfied anymore...i dont know if anything can change it. i think that too much has happened...i've been rejected and unappreciated for too long.

soon i'll be completely in the dark.