i'll be moving to a new blog

http://isolatedblue.livejournal.com

Chris and I have broken up.

I think I just broke up with my boyfriend...oh jeez I need someone to talk to....did I make the right decision???

I have come to a decision. I was planning on traveling to Japan for a year after graduation - I even bought a bunch of books to learn the language. But the person I was supposed to travel with is no longer going with me, so I have decided to not do that anymore. I love Japan and it would have been an amazing experience, and yes I could go alone, but I feel like the experience would not be what I was hoping. I would have had some difficulty planning and communicating, and when I was going with my friend it would have been easier for me...but when I think of going alone I am more aware of the risk. 

Instead, I have decided to get a job when I graduate, and then go on 3 month traveling vacations. I would have some money to actually accomplish this, I would be able to see more places and not be focused solely on being somewhere I can earn enough cash to pay my student loans off. In a few years I could conceivably see most of the world...I'm thinking on taking that trip to Thailand this Christmas if possible, and then the next summer I should have graduated! 

I'm really excited about this new decision I have come to. I can't wait to start planning!

Current Mood: cheerful

Most everyone says that my mom and I look alike, but I have never seen  the similarity. For my part, I always thought I looked more like my dad, but since no one ever met him, and since my stepfather has blond hair and blue eyes, I felt that everyone took it for granted that I took after my mom. To me, we couldn't have been more different; my mother's face is long and lean, whereas mine is perfectly round. She has a longer, narrower nose than my button nose. Her lips are thinner than mine, and she tans a lot easier than my fair skin does. When she is in shape, her body is slim and boyish, a sharp contrast to my curvy and busty figure; even her teeth are different being slightly longer.

I feel like I spent a lot of my life trying to be different from my mom. She dressed like a farmer's wife, she styled her hair like she was perpetually in the 80's, and she seemed to have no goals or happiness in life. There were many times that I felt I had little respect for her, that I felt she was wasting her life away and had no motivation to be something other than what she was. I felt that she was emotionally distant and even though I know that there had been moments in my life when I wanted to be closer to her, wanted her to hold me and to protect me, I also seemed to know that this just wasn't in the cards for my mom and me.

When she got a job at a fashionable store in the mall, it marked a turning point in my mom's life. There were the obvious changes, as in now she understood what was trendy and began dressing even better than myself! And there were some subtle changes, as in her self-confidence rising, she began to get in shape, she looked happier, and she was much more approachable than I had ever remembered her being. Now that she and my dad are separated and divorcing, she seems more comfortable with herself, she seems happier. Maybe that is the influence of her boyfriend, Scott. Whatever it is, she has become someone I can respect. She is going back to school for her GED, she has a good job, she doesn't seem so depressed and she doesn't seem as though she is wasting her life away.

I am so proud of her.

I went to brush my teeth tonight, and I thought I'd check the length of my hair in the mirror. I turned around, held up my little hand held mirror, and looked at the reflection. My breath caught in my throat. There, in the mirror, was the similarity I had been searching for.

I have my mother's hair. Not the color, perhaps, but I remember so well looking at my mother's long beautiful hair when I was small and thinking that it was the most gorgeous thing in the world. I like knowing that no matter what happens, I have a piece of my mother with me forever.

Went to a concert tonight, saw my mom yesterday. I talked to my sister, and I was right in my belief that my dad is trying to prevent my sisters from seeing me. I don't know what to do about that. 

My family is in the shitter, no joke. I'm here in school, and my main reason to go was to get to Japan, but now I don't know if I will do that. I would like to go by myself, but I'm freaked out about it - I am no good at planning things and I KNOW I would mess something up in a big way. I feel like life is crashing down around my ears, and all I can think is..."What happened"....

Another friend gone, but it is probably best. I'm tired of putting forth all the effort, and if when a person is called to make an effort they run away...well, who needs that? I don't understand people...I don't understand how it can be so easy to let go, to not care...when did people turn into machines, turn into cold hearted bastards? I don't understand how anyone can just walk away from someone who cares about them. I think it is the most cowardly and horrible thing I have ever heard, and I swear to God that I will never ever be that kind of person. It just isn't in me to desert people. Even the ones I ought to desert, I suppose. I'm too forgiving, and I want to be approved of so much that I will do a lot for people, even the ones that hurt me.

I guess that is a reason that I am with my boyfriend. God knows that I am not perfect and I have done things that I am not proud of, and at the end of the day, I need someone to hold me and to forgive me and to love me in spite of it all. Chris does this for me, and I don't know what I would do without it. I'm so lucky to have him, because if I didn't have him right now, I would have no one here for me. No close friends, no family, no one. I wish I could show him somehow that he means so much to me, I wish I could somehow convey that I know I would be so lost without him right now. 

I'm so tired, time for bed. Night!

I've been really depressed lately. My sister Sarah was supposed to come and visit me for a weekend, and I was really excited about it. Ever since I moved to IL, I don't see my family much and I miss them. Then I heard that my dad got really angry at her for making plans to come see me. He doesn't want them to spend time with me. After that she wasn't answering the email I sent asking her if she was coming and she didn't call me, and I heard made plans to go to our little cousin's birthday party. I tried to invite my sister Liz, but she hasn't returned phone calls or emails or messages on myspace. The last I heard, my dad didn't want me to talk to her either.

I just feel really lonely. I feel like I don't have a family anymore. All I ever felt I had were my sisters and my brothers, and I feel like my dad has taken them from me. I feel like I have no purpose in life, and I feel unsatisfied. I feel so unhappy, lonely, scared for my future. All my close friends are far away, and  all I have is my bf who I'm having issues with right now.

Ever want to leave your life and start new somewhere else? I'm here for my bf, I'm here because I am in school. I am here because I can't handle my financial situation were I to leave. I wish I had moved to Ohio - at least I would be with a friend I respected.

I used to think that I could solve this if I traveled, I would have some meaning in my life. But I know that no matter where I go, I will always be drifting...alone. No matter where I go, I still won't have a father, I still won't have meaningful friendships, my siblings would still be lost to me. I missed so much of their lives because I couldn't be near my dad. Why can't he let me have my family? Why must he punish me?

Kikko-PUNCH!!!

I had a conversation with my sister Sarah today. It went like this:

[01:29] geishasensu: OH
[01:29] La Ballerine 07: what
[01:29] geishasensu: i wanted to have a surprise party for mom maybe
[01:30] La Ballerine 07: eh...i dont really wanna have a surprise party for her
[01:30] La Ballerine 07: no offense
[01:31] geishasensu: yeah, i thought so
[01:31] La Ballerine 07: im sorry.....
[01:31] geishasensu: i'll just tell her to forget about your graduation and your bday parties and all holidays and everything
[01:31] geishasensu: that's how everyone is in this family, right?
[01:32] geishasensu: someone should tell her that she is wasting her time with all the kids, she should really just stop caring about them and loving them, since they dont give a rats ass about her
[01:32] geishasensu: bye

This may have seemed a little harsh on my side, but if you know the history...my mom is constantly trying to call and see my siblings, and she remembers them on holidays and all of that...and most of them won't even call her on mother's day or see her at xmas. Oh, but they'll accept her presents. It makes me sick - she's our mother, no matter what mistakes she has made. And I think that we have all made some mistakes that we aren't proud of, and WHO was there always believing the best in us? MOM. But now when she needs some understanding and acceptance we shove her away. It isn't right, it isn't right. 

My dad then sent me a voicemail immediately. It went like this:

"Hi Miss, it's Dad. I just think that it would be better if you found better things to do to with your time than try to make your younger sisters feel lousy about their choices in life, ok?  If you want to rip on the family go ahead and rip on it all you want but there's no reason for you to attack your sisters for their feelings on the family they love. And it's too bad that you don't love this family and it is accepted by all that you don't love this family, but you have no right to try to make everyone who DOES love this family try to feel bad for doing it. Why don't you get a life, why don't you move on with your own life and leave your sisters alone. Thank you, goodbye."

Well, you can imagine I was furious after getting this message. SO I called him back and left a message of my own. It went something like:

"I can't believe you had the nerve to call me and leave a message like that. You are the most hypocritcal person I know, talking about love, and you dont even know what it means. You always abused me, you always tell me what a shit I am, I'm sick of you one day telling me that I am a good person and the next telling me how awful I am. You are a sad, pathetic little man. I'm going to send you an email sometime in the future and we will see what happens with that but I can tell you that when you talk about me behind my back it makes me sick and you have the nerve to talk to me like that, to send me a vm like THAT? You disgust me!"

I have never really felt loved by my dad...and on those few occasions when I did, I knew it wouldn't last long. How can you be happy when you know throughout all of your childhood that if there was ever an occasion where someone needed to be sacrificed it would always be you? I wish I had a father that I felt loved me. I wish I could love my dad without wondering when the next time is that he will hate me. I wish that I didn't have to choose between myself and my family - because they will always side with dad, no matter what. 

I don't think that I have a family anymore.

Tags: dad, family, mom, sarah

My grandpa died Feb. 19, 2007. He was 72.

He was a great man, larger than life, and the only thing that was bigger was the size of his heart. The world is poorer for losing him, and Heaven is richer for gaining him.

I love you Grandpa.

Goodbye

Each time I say goodbye
I feel my breath escape entwined
With every word I never said
But I’m sure you knew of them

You go on…
But I’m not strong…

Each time I say goodbye
I feel a part of me defined
By stolen days that I had gained
You always seemed too strong to break

Behind your eyes there’s a look I can’t describe
When faith kneels by your side there’s a heaven in that sight

You go on…
But I’m not strong…

Each time I say goodbye
I feel my heart twist inside
And in my pain I justify
A heart too big, a face too kind
Fleeting soul you were never mine        
I always stood a step behind
These are things I can’t explain
But in my mind they remain

Behind your eyes there’s a love you can’t disguise
In my colorless life you reached with hands bigger than mine

You go on…
But I’m not strong…

You go on…
But I’m not strong…

 

I’m not…strong…

I’m not…strong…

Current Mood: sad